I didn’t even need to finish typing my question. I could just scroll down to it in the suggestions box. It seems most people are having this problem, no? Because everywhere I turn these days I see success. People fulfilling dreams and making careers for themselves has been all around me lately. I went for an ‘assessment day’ earlier this week for a graduate sales company called ‘BMS’ who made it quite clear to me that my future does not belong in that industry. I didn’t mind though. Wearing that suit and pretending to be interested in sales made me feel dirty. Being amongst people that are so willing to manipulate the vulnerable and spend there days striving to sell a mind-numbingly boring product made me feel physically sick. I was so shaken by the whole experience I was nearly run over by a motorbike walking home. The only thought that went through my head was, ‘Shit, I would have been found dead dressed in a suit. What a tragic thing that would have been.’
Well I had betrayed my own personal beliefs by even going to that ‘assessment day’. Quite frankly, I panicked. And here’s why.
I completed a Bachelors Degree in Drama in 2010 achieving a 2:1 for my efforts. Although this was one of the highlights of my entire life up to now, it’s fair to say that it’s a useless degree in terms of a career. An arts degree was always going to be like that. It was fascinating and challenging and memorable, but it’s given me not a lot of options post-grad and a huge amount of debt. I’m actually quite confused at how encouraged we are at the end of A-level to pick a University, pick a course and continue to study for yet another three years. We are very vulnerable as 18 year olds. How on earth is an 18 year old supposed to know for definite what they want to do for the rest of their lives? Unless they are completely certain, the overwhelming price of university must be reiterated to them at all of those form lessons when we spend all morning doing nothing but personal statements and UCAS.
Anyway,
After that I went to live in Sweden with my girlfriend. We lived in her hometown for two months where we started saving for a trip to Thailand, which we did, spending two months there in 2011. We lived in Stockholm for a year, saving again to fund a working holiday in New Zealand, which we did, spending over six months there with a two-week trip to Fiji of all places afterwards. I’ve grown so much as a person during these years. I have seen some of the most breathtaking places, met some of the most incredible people and learnt more about myself and life then I ever thought possible. I believe now that life is only about love and family and friendship and experience, and nothing to do with materialism and wealth and power. I couldn’t care less about any of that.
Until I returned to the UK, and had my unemployed, prospect-less panic attack that caused the completely unnecessary morning visit to the ‘BMS’ assessment centre. Which, as I mentioned earlier, was nearly the last day of my life. Can you imagine? My last day on earth being spent neglecting everything I had learnt in the past six years of my life would be a huge self stab in my own back. Maybe the speeding, leather clad biker that missed me by inches was my guardian angel, there to remind me that life is short, and I had merely been stunned by a capitalist smoke grenade that had temporarily blurred my new way of looking at life.
It was a close call and I couldn’t get my suit off fast enough when I got home. So I had betrayed my beliefs in a moment of madness. But on reflection I understood what had happened. It’s scary to be twenty-four without a career, not even knowing where you be living next month. All the success and dream fulfillment I am seeing should be praised, not envied, because who’s to say when my next near death experience will be? Now I know I have to try and get a lot of living in before that happens.
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